Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
