Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
