remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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