I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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