Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
