I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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