I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
