He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
