Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
