i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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