please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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