Define "chronic" masturbator.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
