I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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