Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
As shirtless as possible
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
