i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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