Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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