just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
