he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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