WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
