You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
