I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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