hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
