I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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