I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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