highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
