i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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