my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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