who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
