if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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