the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
