I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
