Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
