I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
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He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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