I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
