I'm so fucking centered right now
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
