If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
