Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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