dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
