God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
