So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
