your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
