I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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