She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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