I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
