I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you inspire me to be a worse person
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
