apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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