I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
