part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
