Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
