So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
