Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
