You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize