some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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