The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
