dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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