Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
